"My Power" by Tierra Whack ft Beyonce.
"I Am" by Yung Baby Tate (ft Flo Milli)
"Doing Too Much" by KashDoll
***
"We don't have any power." Someone complained when I asked why she thought her 'nice' and 'quiet' approach to a negative situation hadn't worked, in contrast to my outspoken one, which had.
I was annoyed by every part of that, and I felt the alarm in the back of my mind, a low warning, as my irritation spiked. I've heard variations of this before: reasons things can't just be said or done or challenged. Reasons why other people's discomfort should keep me from drawing and enforcing my own boundaries. Reasons why it's not a good idea to change the way things are, lest we anger some nebulous almighty "power players" who might--do, what, exactly?
I couldn't articulate why it always made me so angry and uncomfortable until I realized the full measure of the insult: it is insulting to constantly be asked to measure my potential and my capacity against other people's limitations and fears. The next time someone tells you to play nice with cruelty, shrink yourself to accommodate mediocrity, or be silent so you don't burn bridges, ask yourself: am I not a bridge worth maintaining as well?
I am not "given" power. I take it. I *am* power.
It feels like when people say "Maacah, we can't just do/say/challenge that, it's not that easy," there is an implication that it's somehow "easier" for *me.* That I am naturally assertive, and that I don't care what people think about me. Neither of those things are true. I'm naturally anxious and conflict-averse (also, contrary to popular belief, I love rules! People think I'm some sort of wild rule-breaker, but I love structure and boundaries--if the rules that exist make sense, I will gladly follow them. It's when they are illogical and arbitrarily enforced that you lose me, but that's a different train of thought.) I care what people think--it's just that I'm very selective of who those people are. Not everyone deserves influence over my perspective or access to me. I don't speak up about things because it's easy; I do it because it's necessary, and it gets results.
The problem with being nice to people who are causing harm is that they're counting on it. They're counting on you to continue holding up your end of the social contract even as they drop theirs. Bullies, abusers, and other harmful people don't respond to nice--if they cared about nice, they wouldn't be doing harmful things in the first place, or doubling down and trying to invalidate criticisms of their harmful behavior. Historically, marginalized people have not won rights and victories by asking nicely. Damaging structures and harmful people stay that way because they're reliant on everyone else prioritizing optics over action, and comfort over change.
It's not surprising that boundaries unsettle and/or anger people, especially when they're being set by anyone of a marginalized identity. I am a young Black woman. How dare I recognize, assert, and affirm my own worth? I'm not supposed to do that. I'm not supposed to think I'm capable; I'm supposed to wait for someone else to tell me that. I'm not supposed to think I'm smart; I'm supposed to wait for someone else to tell me so. And I'm definitely not supposed to set boundaries or defend myself--because, to defend something, you must think that it has value. The only way to survive in this world is by affirming and asserting your own boundaries, even when others advise against it--actually, especially when they do.
Don't let anyone hold you to their limitations, or measure your options against their insecurities. And be careful when you find yourself surrounded by folks who insist that making yourself smaller will be safer or more effective or more comfortable. They might be your friends, but ask yourself if they are your *peers* and evaluate if you really want to let them hitch their wagons to your ride. You will never outpace anyone if you're too worried about stepping out of line.
As for rumors? Let the people talk. After all, talking about me behind my back is really your only option when I'm always ahead of you 😉
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